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REACTIONS YOU MAY EXPERIENCE

Grief is a normal reaction to loss and it shows up in ways you might not expect.

If you’ve …
- been angry with doctors or nurses for not doing enough
- been angry with yourself for not taking more heroic steps
- been sleeping to much or not enough
- noticed a change in appetite
- felt that no-one understands what you’re going through
- felt that friends should call more or call less or leave you alone or invite you along often
- bought things you didn’t need
- considered selling everything and moving
- had headaches, upset stomachs, weakness, lethargy, more aches and pains
- been unbearably lonely or depressed
- been crabby
- cried for no apparent reason
- found yourself obsessed with thoughts of the deceased
- been forgetful, confused, uncharacteristically absent-minded
- panicked over little things
- felt guilty about things you have or haven’t done
- gone to the store every day
- forgotten why you went somewhere
- called friends and talked for a long time
- called friends and wanted to hang up after only a brief conversation
- not wanted to attend social functions you usually enjoyed
- been angry at being left alone
- found yourself unable to concentrate on written material
- been unable to remember what you just read

These are all common reactions to grief, you may have experienced one, a few, many, or none of the above. Grief is a very complex experience, one like you have never experienced before. Everyone experiences grief differently. You will never forget the person who died, but your life will again become ‘alright’ although it will be different. Take care of yourself.

If you have noticed problems with your physical health it is important to check with your doctor.

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C.O.P.E.-ing with Anniversaries

Adapted from “Handling the Holidays” by B.H. Conley

Today is the total of our yesterdays – we are who we are and where we are today because all of our life’s experiences have brought us to this point. This being so, our future is paved with reminders, mementoes and anniversaries of what was before. There are the big occasions that everyone acknowledges – Christmas, Easter, public holidays and celebrations. There are the smaller family remembrances - anniversaries and birthdays, holidays shared, and there are the ones that are hidden away in our own heart’s knowledge that only we and the one who has died would be aware of – the day we met, that day of the diagnosis, the day we realised that death was inevitable.

When someone we love dies, each week brings a fresh cycle of remembrance – we literally number the weeks since that inescapable moment of death. And then the months – the date rolls round again… one month… 2 months… 4… 6… 9 months. And interleaved with them are birthdays, anniversaries, a new grandchild (“… the first since you died”) – a son becomes engaged (“.. and his wife will never know you”.) Special events that you would have celebrated together which all contain the memory of “the last time this happened…”

That life goes on after the death of a loved one is unavoidable. That it brings fresh pain, fresh grief amid the memories of the memories of the past is perhaps also unavoidable – indeed it is part of the healing process. But thee are things we can do to lessen the pain, ways by which we can face those special days without fear, ways in which we can create new special memories build on those of the past.

Think of the word COPE. It means, according to Webster’s dictionary – “to deal with problems, troubles, etc.”, and that is what we do every day to the best of our ability as we move through the grieving process. As we deal with the days that hold special memories for us, whether happy of sad, we can use the word to help us by making an acronym from its letters.


Thus we can:

C

 Clear our minds. Allow ourselves to cut through the fears and apprehensions – to recognise and accept that the anniversary is coming. Even if we try to pretend that it’s not there – it is. The day will come.

O

Organise or order our thoughts, our feelings. Talk it through with someone we can trust – or write it all down first if that makes it easier. Talk with others who are involved and listen to their point of view. Work it through until we feel on firmer ground and then…

P

Plan what we are going to do for the day. This might mean spending time alone or with friends/family, keeping a tradition or doing something quite different. It may even mean planning not to plan, to leave it until the day, and that’s find, as long as it is a conscious decision. It is important, however to try to involve the one who has died in the day in some special way – lighting a candle, ging to the graveside, having a time of sharing memories – the possibilities are endless – acknowledging the specialness of the day and what it meant to us both/all. We need to remember too to communicate – others may well be making plans for us. With communication, compromise is always possible but making plans which will go some way towards meeting our need it vital.

Finally…

E

Execute the plan. Do it. But – we must be very kind to ourselves and very flexible. On the roller coaster of grief what seems like a good idea one day may not seem right when the time comes – and that’s fine! We need to go with the feeling of the moment, cry, walk, run, garden… Give ourselves a hug… claim one from someone who cares… and know that we are doing well. By allowing ourselves this time to feel the pain, often the plans we have made come to pass with more gentleness and love that we ever believed possible.

 

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DEALING WITH CHRISTMAS AND THE HOLIDAYS

Christmas and the holiday period, (along with special times such as birthdays and anniversaries) can be particularly difficult times for those who are bereaved or have experienced other forms of loss. The Christmas period—supposedly a time of joy and celebration, and for families being together-- can accentuate the absence of the deceased person more than any other time. For those who have had a family member, or someone close, die through the year, there is no doubt that life is different, and that it will never be the same again. Perhaps you wish that you could just cancel Christmas this year. Some planning and special preparation for what you do, and do not want to do, may help. Listed below are some suggestions you might find helpful:

--Prepare ahead in order to reduce as much stress as possible. Try and enlist others to help where you need it.

--As someone who is grieving you might find that the anticipation of Christmas is likely to be more distressing than the actual event.

--There is no wrong or right way to deal with the day. Some will choose to carry on family traditions, however, you may choose to do something completely different, perhaps start a new tradition.

--It is important not to set expectations which are too high for you or others—nurture yourself. For example, it may be that it is too difficult to send out Christmas cards this year.

--Allow for the fact that other members of the family may react or express themselves differently. This does not mean that they are not grieving.

--Remember that sadness and happiness do not cancel each other out. It is important to be able to laugh as well as cry. Laughter/happiness may feel like a betrayal of your loss, but it is unlikely that your loved one would want you to remain unhappy.

--Plan ahead for shopping tasks. You may wish to avoid the shops completely. Shopping online may be an option, or asking someone else to help. 

  Some Suggestions for Christmas Day:

--Plant a special tree, shrub, or other plant in recognition of your loss

--Light a memorial candle for the day. This can create the symbolic presence of your family member, and is also a way to recognize your own sense of loss.

--On Christmas Day share a favourite or humorous story about your family member or invite a written message addressed to them which can be collected in a special place for all to read.

--Buy a special gift for yourself (or someone else) in memory of your loved one.

--Purchase a gift for a lonely or forgotten person, or invite them to share your Christmas meal. Give a donation in your loved one’s name, or give food to the needy (eg via The City Mission or Salvation Army).

--Write your relative a message and place it in a balloon, releasing it outside. This can be very meaningful if done as part of a family ritual where every member releases a message balloon.

--Allow written expressions of your thoughts and feelings. Some of the most moving poems, letters and prose writings have followed a bereavement, and have been a source of help to others in a similar position.

--Prepare a special memory book to keep your memories alive for the next generation.

--Hang a special Christmas ornament

Thoughts based on material from Tobin Brothers, and compiled in a handout by The Road Trauma Support Team (Melbourne). Suggestions also drawn from Rando, T, How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies. Lexington, MA: Lexington Books, 1988 (pp289-292).

Other useful websites with handouts and information:
www.childbereavement.org.uk (Support and Info/Articles and Leaflets/ No25, Managing Christmas)
www.skylight.org.nz (Information sheet, Coping with Holidays and Special Days)

For PDF version, download here